Alan's Story

Tired of being chained to the chemist every day

The punishment for my last crime was community payback and it was there that I found out about LEAP. Nobody had suggested stopping using drugs to me before – I didn’t really think it was possible. I was on a really high dose of methadone and had to reduce my dose to get into LEAP. It was so hard but I did it – I was tired of being chained to the chemist every day.

Lothians and Edinburgh Abstinence Programme

The days in LEAP are very structured. I knew how to follow rules because of my time in jail, but I found the therapy and the written work really difficult as I couldn’t read or write. From my time in prison I would stand with my back against the wall in case someone came up behind me. One of the therapists noticed and told me that I didn’t need to do it anymore. She told me she had my back – it really meant a lot when she said that.

While the therapy was hard, the therapists relaxed some of the rules to help me get the work done, letting me use Google on my phone to work out spellings and talk through pieces of work like writing my life story that people normally write down. From the lectures I learned about addiction and why I acted the way that I did. It helped me understand my past so I can move forward. There were workshops run by a skills service called Encompass and I still get help from them for my reading and writing.

Positive life skills and experiences

A big part of the treatment is living in a house together outside the treatment centre. It helped me with life skills – I learned to cook and became head of kitchen and had to work with other patients to plan the meals. Being part of a therapeutic community could be tough but it was also amazing – it showed me that people cared for me, and that I could care for them. These were life experiences I hadn’t had. Going to Narcotics Anonymous in the evenings meant I met loads of people in recovery and it meant when I came out I had lots of friends.

After I finished the 12 week residential programme I had a lot more confidence. I had trauma therapy at LEAP which has helped me change the way I respond to things. I’m still doing aftercare and will do it for two years as I know how important it is so you don’t relapse.

Since coming out of LEAP my life has got better and better. I’ve even written a poem about my recovery. The poem must be read forward first, then backwards from the last line.

Poor Health
I am poor
So don’t try to convince me
that life and friendship make me wealthy
Because what counts is
I am worthless
And I will not accept that
There is a richness inside me that matters
I am without substance
I refuse to believe
I am deserving of success
Because in spite of everything
I do not see the man you do
My reality is very different
Even when faced with your opinion
The measure of me is wrong –
Why do you misjudge my qualities?
I wonder and often ask
How do you value yourself?

I’m Peer Support volunteering for LEAP, taking patients out on activities and to appointments. I’m a manager for a recovery cafe and I’ve spoken to doctors in the NHS about living with an addiction. A year ago I’d never have believed I could do that.

A positive change

I’ve changed so much. Treatment taught me that my experiences can help other people. All my life I thought I was useless and worthless, but I’ve realised I’m not. Every morning I look in the mirror and say affirmations to remind myself I’m a good person. Without coming to LEAP I know I would have been doing another life sentence. I’m so proud of myself for getting through treatment.